the truth.

this week has been a very tough week for me. it's been very emotional, but it needed to happen. but now that it happened, i don't know what to do.


have you ever had something happen to you, but knew that there was more to the story then what was being told to you? that's what happened to me. this past summer a incident happened that was very hurtful, but i knew that there was more to the story & other things also happened that i knew wasn't the whole truth. i've had this feeling inside of me since June, & now it's February & the truth came out. last night actually. 


a while ago i posted on my blog about the situation. i talked to the people closest to me about the matter because i didn't know what to do. one side said that the other people telling me those things were just doing it to start drama. but then the other side said that it was the truth & they didn't want to admit it. 


the more the days went on it still ate me up inside. stuff wasn't adding up about the situation, & i did try to ignore it, but there was a reason why it kept coming back up. i prayed to God to help me with it, & he did. it hasn't been easy, but i'm trying.


just the thought that these things could be true killed me, but now knowing that they are true....i don't know what to do. i love Duwayne with all my heart & in relationships there's going to be mistakes made. i realized that a long time ago. but the one thing i didn't want him to do....he did. & he's been hiding it from me this whole time. i feel like i didn't matter, like he said "who care's about Morgan". i feel like i wasn't good enough, after 3 years of doing everything i could for him, he still did it. the one thing i didn't want him to do he did. he said he's always wanted to do it & that he just wanted to see what it was like. bullshit bullshit bullshit. if you think of that place....it's not hard to know what it's like & what goes on in there. he blamed other people & i've been so mean to them because of it. & when they tried to tell me the truth, i didn't listen. he told me he's been lying to me because was scared to lose me, & he thought it would just go away. every time i would bring it up or try to sort the situation out he'd yell at me & we would get in fights, & i'd end up bawling my eyes out telling him i was sorry for bringing it up - but he should of been the one telling me sorry. he sat there & watched me cry & say it was my fault each & every single time. i guess i understand why he lied, but that's not fair to me. he did those actions so he should of maned up & told me the truth. maybe i'm being to hard on him, but can you blame me? i found out other things to, & now i look like a total fool. it's been going on for longer than just this summer. i found out he's done it more than once. i think i'm the stupidest person alive, i look like a fool.


but you know something? after he told me the truth, i forgave him that second. i forgave him for everything, i forgave him for lying to me, i forgave him for what he did. breaking up didn't cross my mind, screaming at him didn't cross my mind - holding him while he was crying telling me he was sorry is what i did. i started crying too, & can't describe to you how it felt. my hearts broken from the truth. i'm still upset about everything, & i'm not sure how long it will take to stop these feelings. how do i know it won't happen again or that other things will happen? i don't, & thats what life's about - we don't know whats going to happen. & that's the hardest thing. 


i love Duwayne with all my heart & soul. he's the one i want to spend the rest of my life with, & i never want to lose him. i just hope he'll tell me the truth. i can't make him or anybody do something, or make them not do something. i thought that i was good enough for him not to do those things. i thought my heart & feelings ment something, but it really didn't. he can say that i did matter, but if i did he wouldn't of done what he did. you or anybody else can't tell me any different. it just breaks my heart to know that i didn't matter, after everything we've been through, & everything i've done for him. yes, i could be a bitch but that's no reason to do what he did. & i realize all of this now. hopefully i mean something to him now, so that he won't do stupid shit again. but i can only do so much, he's a big boy & can make his own decisions. 


i know that i sound like a bitch, but i can't help how i feel. i do love Duwayne, & i'm not going to break up with him, our love & our relationship is so much more than that - i'm just so hurt.


i'm praying that things will get better. <3