Blah.

Nothing's really been going on lately.


Ohio is still snowy, I still miss everyone, I'm still doing my best to lose weight, & I need a job.


Well since Duwayne's playing Call Of Duty : Black Ops, I'll keep writing.


Since  January 1, 2011 I've lost 10 pounds. Today is January 28, 2011 - so I've lost either 2 or 3 pounds each week, & it hasn't been easy. I've been drinking 3 protein shakes a day, & when I do eat solid food I make the best choices I can. Like a grilled chicken sandwich or so. I've worked out some, but I feel a little uncomfortable doing it in my apartments gym. There are usually other people in their & they BLAST music I don't care for, & make me feel weird. I try to get over it as much as I can because in order to lose weight you need to burn calories, but it's just hard to when you don't want to because your uncomfortable. Where I used to live they had a huge place that you could go workout at, or play basketball, walk the track, lift weights, or swim - in the workout room there were T.V.'s for you to watch what you wanted to, & in order to watch it you needed to have head phones, so the noise wouldn't bother the other people working out, but here they have 2 T.V.'s they play loudly & then have a radio that BLARES Rap stuff & I feel that if I put headphones in my phone & listen to my Jason Aldean station on Pandora they'll think I'm to good for their music or something, I don't know, I'm weird I guess. & I don't have the money to pay $5 a day at a exercise place... so I can either workout at the apartments gym, or in my apartment on my Wii - even tho I need the Wii balance board to workout on the Wii - so basically I'm screwed & not burning the calories I could be burning. Things just take time.


UGH WHY CAN'T EVERYTHING BE EASYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!


But, ya know I'm doing the best I can & that's all I can do! 


I've talked to Nandy & she wants me to come down on my mom's Spring Break & then stay another week because then it will be my Aunt Mairbeth's Spring Break. So for 2 weeks I'd be down in Florida. It sounds like a great idea, & I'd love to do it, but I'm going to miss Duwayne. I know it's not like I won't ever see him again, I just know I'll miss him - but I want to spend as much time with my grandparents as I can since they moved to Florida. & Duwayne's Spring Break isn't until like the end of April. : \ I'm pretty sure I'm going to go. I've still been having some moments throughout the day of the past. I think of Nandy & Grandaddy's old house, & every memory I've had with them. I can't help but cry. :( I know I need to be stronger, but I can't help it. Does that make sense? & I've also been thinking about the future & getting upset. I think about getting old, the people I love getting old, & how someday they aren't going to be here & it makes me hurt so bad. Yes, I know that I can't think like that either, & I don't know why I have been. I think it's because of what happened this past Summer, when Gracie & Grandaddy passed away. I'm so scared now, I'm so scared of feeling that pain again, I'm just so scared. I know that nobody can live forever, & that one day I'll see everybody in Heaven again - I'm just such an emotional person : if it's not one thing it's another. But I've been getting better. Just keep me in your prayers please.


Well, there really isn't much else to say, so see ya later & God Bless! <3

Alzheimer's.

Alzheimer's is a brain disease that causes problems with memory, thinking and behavior.

My Granddaddy has Alzheimer's.

My Grandparents (Nandy and Grandaddy) flew up from Florida last week to attend a funeral; Grandaddy's sister passed away. The day they flew up I was leaving to go back to Cleveland, but they we're going to stay all week, so on Thursday when I came back home from Cleveland I dropped Duwayne off and went to go see them at my parents house.

It was about 8:30 p.m. and they were  listening to K-Love ( a local Christian station ). I thought they were asleep, but when I walked in Nandy's eyes got big and she said "Hey babygirl!" She sat up from bed and we hugged each other. Grandaddy was laying on the other side of the bed looking at me with his blue eyes. "Hey Grandaddy!" I leaned over and gave him a kiss on his forehead, and he didn't say a word. He had a look on his face, like he was happy to see me, but he had no idea why he should be happy to see me. I didn't say anything, I just looked away and started talking to Nandy. We talked about what's been going on, and how the flight was, and everything else for about 15 min. Grandaddy just layed there looking at me, smiling every so often when I looked at him, acting like he knew every single word I was talking about, but he had no idea. I was getting tired from the drive and I told them that I would come over tomorrow to come see them. I kissed them both goodbye, and drove back to Duwayne's house.

That night while I was laying in bed in the dark all I could think about was the past. I thought about how much I took for granted all of those times. I thought about how just 2 years ago he wasn't like this. I thought about Nandy and Grandaddys house. I thought about taking those simple trips to Baskin Robbins to get ice cream or yogurt with them. I thought about the Christmas's, Easter's, Birthday's, and other celebration's we had at their house. I thought about Summer when we would spend all day and night swimming in their pool.

 I thought about every single room of their house. I thought about the times when I was little and Grandaddy would mow the lawn he would let me ride on his lap. I thought about the 1,000's of times I rode my bike around their drive way. I thought about how everytime we came over Grandaddy would be sitting on the front porch drinking a diet coke, and how everytime we would leave he'd be doing the same thing. I thought about going to UK basketball games with him. I thought about him calling me his baby girl. I thought about everything. I thought about how Grandaddy use to know who I was, and now he doesn't.

We started seeing signs about 2 years ago. It started out Grandaddy would forget that someone called, then it grew to him going outside to get the mail and halfway outside he forgot what he was doing, then it grew to him not knowing who anybody was.

My Grandaddy has no idea who I am, or who anyone else is. I don't even know if he knows who Nandy is. He doesn't remember all of those memories, he doesn't know who he is, he doesn't know anything.

I wish I could go back and do so much more. I wish I told him I loved him more, I wish I hugged him longer, I wish things were so much different.

Nandy is the one that I know is mostly hurt. The man she fell in love with, had a family with, and built a life with has no memory of any of it, and she deals with it each and every day. The second she wakes up she takes care of him. Cooks his meals, dresses him, and talks to him like nothing has changed. I don't think that she or anybody thought about if the one they fall in love with and marry will one day forget about them. But in the Bible it says -

1 Corinthians 13:4 - 13 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

That's what keeps Nandy going. She loves Grandaddy, and she would never give up on him. She's always going to be right there next to him and never think about giving up on him - because if it was the other way around, I know Grandaddy would be doing the same exact thing for the one he loves.

Just because Grandaddy has Alzheimer's doesn't mean that I should give up, or stop loving him like I did before. I still have hope that the Grandaddy I grew up with and spent my life with is still in there somewhere. I still have hope that someday he's going to come back and it be like it used to be. I still have hope that Grandaddy is going to call me his baby girl again.

<3

People.

Sometimes I wish I had the power of knowing why people do the things they do.


Why do people lie? Why do people steal? Why do people kill? Why do people love? Why do people abuse? Why do people say the things they say? Why do people act the way they do? Why, why, why?


That's always a question I've asked myself. & I've always wished that I had the answer to it.


I have a Facebook http://www.facebook.com/morganwarring & my status tonight was similar to this blog. I've had people walk all over me ;- & I use to take it & not say anything. They knew I wouldn't say anything. I would sit there & let them say/do things to me they knew was disrespectful. & I would take it. 


I'm a very sweet person, really I am. I've never been in a fight, talk to everyone, & don't start drama. So why do people think it's okay to disrespect me?


My New Years Resolution was to not take crap from anyone, & I've stood by it. :) I'm not going to let people walk all over me anymore or disrespect me & think it's okay.


If you can't respect me, & my feelings - your not going to be in my life.

Struggling with weight.

Being over weight has always been a problem for me. Since I can remember, I've always been bigger then my friends. I always knew I was, but it didn't really bother me. God made each and everyone of us, & I was fine with the way I was. I'm not saying it's God fault that I'm the way I am, no, I'm just saying he made me special like everyone else.



In my younger days, when me and my friends would go swimming they got to wear 2 pieces and I had to wear a 1 piece, and I never understood why. I didn't understand what "fat" or "skinny" ment. I never looked at people or thought of people that way. I can remember playing basketball, softball, and flag football with all my friends every day after school. And I can remember eating what they ate. So how did I become this size?



When I went into Middle School, that's where everything changed. I started to like boys, and wanted them to notice me. I can remember writing a note to this boy that I had a crush on for awhile. In the folded up piece of notebook paper I told him I liked him. The day after  he read the note, I saw him in the hallway at school and got butterflies in my stomach. Looking at him waiting for him to make eye contact with me, waiting for him to run over to me and grab my hand, and waiting for him to become my boyfriend I could feel a smile comming across my face. But soon that smile faded away. He looked at me and looked away and just kept walking. I can remember feeling so embarrassed, and feeling like everyone knew what happened and was looking at me. I went walked to my class and put my head down on my desk and started crying to myself. My friends asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell them what happened. I didn't want anyone to know. From then on I found myself being depressed, and not wanting to do anything. I would go home, get a "snack", do my homework, eat dinner, watch t.v., have another "snack", then go to bed. I gained weight like crazy and I told myself I couldn't keep doing what I was doing, I needed to get out, get healthy and have fun.

So, I tried out for the Lady Buff's Basketball Team. I loved playing basketball, and I knew that basketball would help me with working out. I made the team and the opposite of what I wanted to happen happened. I thought that since I was playing basketball and was practicing 5 days a week I could eat whatever I wanted and I would keep that weight off and the other weight I gained before. NEGATIVE! I gained even more weight! How did I let myself get to this point?

I kept the same weight from then untill the end of my 7th grade year. I remember looking in the mirrors at Rue 21 and seeing my whole body from all sides. From then on I exercised, walked home from school, ate salads, and ate right. I lost 25 pounds and was feeling wonderful inside! Summer came and gone, then 8th grade started. I kept off most of the weight but was still feeling good about myself. Basketball season started a week after school did and I knew we were going to be practicing and working out like crazy. I lost even more weight then before and was so happy! But, of course that soon changed. I got that set in my mind that since I was working out so hard I could eat 2 pieces of pizza and it wouldn't hurt me. But, 2 pieces of pizza grew to 3 pieces, water turned into Coke, and everything let go. I gained back all the weight I lost and was devastated. How did I get to be this way AGAIN!? Why did I think it was okay to stop doing what was working for me to lose weight?! Why, why, why?! I kept my weight in that same area for a while, but when basketball was over and I was already depressed about my weight, I just gained more. I kept telling myself, "Starting tomorrow I'm gonna start eating right and exercising" but we all know how that goes. I didn't.

High School was starting and I became even more nervous, stressed, and depressed as I have ever been. One of my biggest fears is walking in front of large amounts of people, because I don't want people looking at me. It's hard to explain, but I don't like the feeling of people looking at me, or talking about me. Even tho I know people do, I just don't want to give them a reason to. You might be asking yourself how I am like that when I played basketball. It's because when I played basketball it wasn't just me playing, it was me and 9 other girls and it wasn't just me everyone was looking at. But now, I was about to start High School with 6,000+ kids and teachers. I had to walk in the halls with total strangers, be around people that were older than me, people who knew I was large, and it killed me that I had no choice but to do it. I gained weight like crazy once again.

Every now and then I would actually watch what I ate, exercised like I did before, and lost weight. But, something would happen when I would just give up and not care anymore and gained weight again. Something would be going on with Gracie where she would be in the hospital and they thought that this was it. Or Duwayne and I would get in a fight, or break up. Or family issues were going on. It just seemed like there was always something going on and I couldn't deal with it and food was my comfort.

I have no one else to blame but me. It's no ones fault but my own, and I know that.

I didn't join any clubs because I didn't want to have to walk or talk in front of people, and I didn't go to basketball games because you have to walk in front of everyone no matter what you want to do. I did go to the football games, only because Duwayne played, you didn't walk in front of everyone to sit down, and you could get their early enough to get a seat when nobody was there. It's weird, I know it is.

Senior year finally came and I was at the weight where I was my 8th grade year. I was still big, but I was just used to it. At the beginning of the year Duwayne broke up with me and of course I became depressed. I gained about 10 pounds fast, and didn't even care. Was I not good enough for him? Did I not give him everything I could? Was I not skinny enough? What was wrong with me? All I did was cry and eat and I couldn't stop. Then, one day when I finally told myself that Duwayne wasn't coming back I decided that no guy was going to bring me down and so I lost weight. I lost 18 pounds and was feeling great. I was never hungry, and I was always on the go. Other guys were noticing me and that just helped me keep losing weight.

Duwayne and I got back together ( <3 ) and I was still in the same weight area. But, I got comfortable and told myself it wouldn't hurt to eat 3 pieces of pizza, but of course that changed to eating pizza all the time and drinking pop. I gained about 25 pounds and was so upset with myself. I started to not eat, have horrible head aces, have horrible stomach aces, and threw up. What I weighed then was the most I've ever weighed in my life, and I knew I had to do something.

In April I started a weight loss program called "Ageless Weight Loss". I drank 3 protein shakes, a protein bar, and a bowl of soup everyday. In the first month I lost 12 pounds. I couldn't believe I finally found something that worked for me. I was so happy with life.

From April - August I lost a large amount of weight and I was so happy!

I never thought I would of been able to get to that weight or size every again, but I did!

But of course, I told myself that it wouldn't hurt to eat just one piece of something. 1 piece turned into 3 pieces, and I started to not eat the way I should. I gained back all of the weight, and now I'm struggling with losing weight again.

Why do I listen to myself when I shouldn't? How can I tell and believe myself that one piece won't hurt - even when I know what will happen if I take just one bite. Why? I'm back at the same spot I was in April, after losing all that weight, after working so hard sweating my butt of in the gym, after seeing myself look amazing in a 2 piece swim suit like all my friends wore when we were little and I couldn't. I'm back at the same spot.

It's so depressing........

But for two days now I've started drinking the protein shakes again, eating right, and exercising. I can't tell if I lost anything ( I don't have a scale) but I know that I have to keep it up every single day.

Once you get to the weight and size you want to you can't just tell yourself  "Well I'm done, I can start eating whatever I like to now." It doesn't work that way. You have to watch everything you eat or drink, you have to exercise, and you can't give up. I've now realized this, I wish I did earlier, but you can't go back in time or change the past - you just have to move forward and work even harder.

So now here I am working my self to death once again to get back down to the size I was before.



Losing weight sucks. Period.