Struggling with weight.

Being over weight has always been a problem for me. Since I can remember, I've always been bigger then my friends. I always knew I was, but it didn't really bother me. God made each and everyone of us, & I was fine with the way I was. I'm not saying it's God fault that I'm the way I am, no, I'm just saying he made me special like everyone else.



In my younger days, when me and my friends would go swimming they got to wear 2 pieces and I had to wear a 1 piece, and I never understood why. I didn't understand what "fat" or "skinny" ment. I never looked at people or thought of people that way. I can remember playing basketball, softball, and flag football with all my friends every day after school. And I can remember eating what they ate. So how did I become this size?



When I went into Middle School, that's where everything changed. I started to like boys, and wanted them to notice me. I can remember writing a note to this boy that I had a crush on for awhile. In the folded up piece of notebook paper I told him I liked him. The day after  he read the note, I saw him in the hallway at school and got butterflies in my stomach. Looking at him waiting for him to make eye contact with me, waiting for him to run over to me and grab my hand, and waiting for him to become my boyfriend I could feel a smile comming across my face. But soon that smile faded away. He looked at me and looked away and just kept walking. I can remember feeling so embarrassed, and feeling like everyone knew what happened and was looking at me. I went walked to my class and put my head down on my desk and started crying to myself. My friends asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell them what happened. I didn't want anyone to know. From then on I found myself being depressed, and not wanting to do anything. I would go home, get a "snack", do my homework, eat dinner, watch t.v., have another "snack", then go to bed. I gained weight like crazy and I told myself I couldn't keep doing what I was doing, I needed to get out, get healthy and have fun.

So, I tried out for the Lady Buff's Basketball Team. I loved playing basketball, and I knew that basketball would help me with working out. I made the team and the opposite of what I wanted to happen happened. I thought that since I was playing basketball and was practicing 5 days a week I could eat whatever I wanted and I would keep that weight off and the other weight I gained before. NEGATIVE! I gained even more weight! How did I let myself get to this point?

I kept the same weight from then untill the end of my 7th grade year. I remember looking in the mirrors at Rue 21 and seeing my whole body from all sides. From then on I exercised, walked home from school, ate salads, and ate right. I lost 25 pounds and was feeling wonderful inside! Summer came and gone, then 8th grade started. I kept off most of the weight but was still feeling good about myself. Basketball season started a week after school did and I knew we were going to be practicing and working out like crazy. I lost even more weight then before and was so happy! But, of course that soon changed. I got that set in my mind that since I was working out so hard I could eat 2 pieces of pizza and it wouldn't hurt me. But, 2 pieces of pizza grew to 3 pieces, water turned into Coke, and everything let go. I gained back all the weight I lost and was devastated. How did I get to be this way AGAIN!? Why did I think it was okay to stop doing what was working for me to lose weight?! Why, why, why?! I kept my weight in that same area for a while, but when basketball was over and I was already depressed about my weight, I just gained more. I kept telling myself, "Starting tomorrow I'm gonna start eating right and exercising" but we all know how that goes. I didn't.

High School was starting and I became even more nervous, stressed, and depressed as I have ever been. One of my biggest fears is walking in front of large amounts of people, because I don't want people looking at me. It's hard to explain, but I don't like the feeling of people looking at me, or talking about me. Even tho I know people do, I just don't want to give them a reason to. You might be asking yourself how I am like that when I played basketball. It's because when I played basketball it wasn't just me playing, it was me and 9 other girls and it wasn't just me everyone was looking at. But now, I was about to start High School with 6,000+ kids and teachers. I had to walk in the halls with total strangers, be around people that were older than me, people who knew I was large, and it killed me that I had no choice but to do it. I gained weight like crazy once again.

Every now and then I would actually watch what I ate, exercised like I did before, and lost weight. But, something would happen when I would just give up and not care anymore and gained weight again. Something would be going on with Gracie where she would be in the hospital and they thought that this was it. Or Duwayne and I would get in a fight, or break up. Or family issues were going on. It just seemed like there was always something going on and I couldn't deal with it and food was my comfort.

I have no one else to blame but me. It's no ones fault but my own, and I know that.

I didn't join any clubs because I didn't want to have to walk or talk in front of people, and I didn't go to basketball games because you have to walk in front of everyone no matter what you want to do. I did go to the football games, only because Duwayne played, you didn't walk in front of everyone to sit down, and you could get their early enough to get a seat when nobody was there. It's weird, I know it is.

Senior year finally came and I was at the weight where I was my 8th grade year. I was still big, but I was just used to it. At the beginning of the year Duwayne broke up with me and of course I became depressed. I gained about 10 pounds fast, and didn't even care. Was I not good enough for him? Did I not give him everything I could? Was I not skinny enough? What was wrong with me? All I did was cry and eat and I couldn't stop. Then, one day when I finally told myself that Duwayne wasn't coming back I decided that no guy was going to bring me down and so I lost weight. I lost 18 pounds and was feeling great. I was never hungry, and I was always on the go. Other guys were noticing me and that just helped me keep losing weight.

Duwayne and I got back together ( <3 ) and I was still in the same weight area. But, I got comfortable and told myself it wouldn't hurt to eat 3 pieces of pizza, but of course that changed to eating pizza all the time and drinking pop. I gained about 25 pounds and was so upset with myself. I started to not eat, have horrible head aces, have horrible stomach aces, and threw up. What I weighed then was the most I've ever weighed in my life, and I knew I had to do something.

In April I started a weight loss program called "Ageless Weight Loss". I drank 3 protein shakes, a protein bar, and a bowl of soup everyday. In the first month I lost 12 pounds. I couldn't believe I finally found something that worked for me. I was so happy with life.

From April - August I lost a large amount of weight and I was so happy!

I never thought I would of been able to get to that weight or size every again, but I did!

But of course, I told myself that it wouldn't hurt to eat just one piece of something. 1 piece turned into 3 pieces, and I started to not eat the way I should. I gained back all of the weight, and now I'm struggling with losing weight again.

Why do I listen to myself when I shouldn't? How can I tell and believe myself that one piece won't hurt - even when I know what will happen if I take just one bite. Why? I'm back at the same spot I was in April, after losing all that weight, after working so hard sweating my butt of in the gym, after seeing myself look amazing in a 2 piece swim suit like all my friends wore when we were little and I couldn't. I'm back at the same spot.

It's so depressing........

But for two days now I've started drinking the protein shakes again, eating right, and exercising. I can't tell if I lost anything ( I don't have a scale) but I know that I have to keep it up every single day.

Once you get to the weight and size you want to you can't just tell yourself  "Well I'm done, I can start eating whatever I like to now." It doesn't work that way. You have to watch everything you eat or drink, you have to exercise, and you can't give up. I've now realized this, I wish I did earlier, but you can't go back in time or change the past - you just have to move forward and work even harder.

So now here I am working my self to death once again to get back down to the size I was before.



Losing weight sucks. Period.